I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Never ghost your hitman.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”