Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
technically true but not a great slogan
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
The biggest mystery of our time
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?