My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.