Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.