Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
all bases covered
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?