me refusing to leave twitter
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”