Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.