I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
You Might Also Like
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?