NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
You Might Also Like
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir