The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Whisper out to librarians!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Guy who likes music
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.