Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
You Might Also Like
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂