*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them