My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The Assassin.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”