A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
📽️movie date🎞️
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.