Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Britain be like
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.