You deplete me
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me