I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.