5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Bringing home a sharpie
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.