Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy