Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
sigh
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
shampoo implies shampee