” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand