one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Can’t. About to go please some beans