*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold