[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Quadruple digit IQ
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.