My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
You Might Also Like
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them