me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.