Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
You Might Also Like
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
こいつ天才
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s