an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”