You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
You Might Also Like
when mom throws a party…
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Just grow your own
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on