inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing