Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You Might Also Like
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol