*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”