ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Received some very disappointing news today
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?