What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
lol
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts