Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.