Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Happens to everyone.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I drew y’all a little something.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point