I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?