They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I have two kinds of followers
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The prophecy is fulfilled
why isn’t he texting back
Every haunted house movie:
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.