[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.