Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Has science gone too far?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“Huge”.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby