A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
May have had one breakfast too many
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin