It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Saw your ex at the shops
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*