If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.