[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”