me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment