*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch