“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Sounds like a bargain
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
それは草
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now