Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.