Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
forgive me baja for i have blast
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.