me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]